Tiki Bar After-Action Report

A restful day off has allowed me to regroup and reflect on one of the most monumental, extraordinary and rum-infused adventures to date.

Twelve HEAD Society members from all across the East Bay converged on the cable car stop at the end of California Street. Our goal, no mission, was to explore the Bay Area’s Tiki Bar history. 

A few minutes after our arrival, we clambered aboard the cable car which took

 us up to the top of Nob Hill. For the most part, it was a free ride. Our very nice conductor only asked to see our Clipper Cards. Obviously he recognized us as members of an esteemed society and granted us one of the many perks that HEAD Society membership has to offer.

Soon we found ourselves waiting in line for the Tonga Room to open.

Two more members joined us in line and we took the opportunity to formally induct seven new members (Jen C. #77, Tamara #78, Ray #79, Dave #80, Lee #81, Eddie #82 & Joey #83). We also rectified an error from earlier trip by presenting longtime member Becky with her coveted membership card.

 At 5 o’clock sharp the doors swung open and we sauntered into the Tonga Room. Not only is this place the oldest Tiki Bar in America but that the decor is classic Tiki, Old School Tiki. In fact, the Fairmont Hotel hired a Hollywood set designer to decorate the place.

Our first order of business was to order food - 3 Royal “PuPu” Platters. Our mouths were watering and our stomachs were growling as we waited for the barbecue Kona pork ribs, shiitake eggrolls, spicy chicken wings and Dungeness crab Rangoon. We were ordering drinks as our 15^th member arrived, Vivian (#59). Rum bowls seemed to be the order of the day. There were Scorpion Bowls, Golden Punch Bowls (Golden Punch = rum) and Lava Bowls. A collection of Mai Tais, Singapore Slings and Red Strike beers rounded out our order.

The Scorpion Bowl traces its roots back to Honolulu in the 1930s. Imagine how good a mixture of spiced and dark rum, brandy, fresh orange & lime juices taste as you suck it through a 24 inch long straw. The Lava Bowl claims to be the Nectar of the Gods. I guess that’s possible when you combine dark rum and overproof rum with fresh lemon and pineapple juice. A Golden Punch Bowl blends white rum, yellow chartreuse with fresh lemon juice, honey, ginger & bitters. We were off to a good start.

“PuPu” Platters ravaged, rum bowls drained, it was time to head downhill and find Smuggler’s Cove. A few members decided to walk while the rest of us opted for cab rides. Smuggler’s Cove was packed but we worked our way up to the bar. The advance guard started with a round of Painkiller #3. It’s a traditional drink of the Caribbean with Pusser’s rum, pineapple, orange, coconut and nutmeg. Yum! There are multiple Painkillers available (#2, #3 & #4). We didn’t notice the little barrel symbol on the menu next to #3 & #4. Turns out the little barrel means “Very Strong”. Oh well, it was still yum!

It took a while for all of the group to wander in. A few got stuck outside behind the velvet rope for a while. Obviously the bouncer didn’t recognize them as HEAD Society members. We fanned out across the place - some of us found a spot at the main bar, others decended down into the “hold”. There’s a bar down there too. Everyone scoured the 70+ drink menu and cocktail orders were flying – The Black Prince, Hibiscus Punch, Port Au Prince, Navy Grog, El Presidente, Cuba Libre, Puka Punch and the Suffering Bastard were just a few. Honestly, I tasted so many drinks that I lost track.

We took over the “crow’s nest” and enjoyed conversation, rum history and our cocktails. I tell you, the bartenders here work like dogs churning out drink after drink. The skill on display is amazing. These cocktails are alcoholic works of art. It’s mixology taken to the highest level.

While the Tonga Room had history and longevity, Smuggler’s Cove won the HEAD Society’s newly-created “best cocktail” award. We could have stayed there longer, even with the heat. It was hot in there. I’m guessing all the bodies packed inside had something to do with it.

We started the night with 15. Smuggler’s Cove had 14 of us. By the time we reached the Bamboo Hut we were down to a hearty group of 12. Arriving on Broadway, half our group, led by Jenn (#11), went across the street for slices of pizza. The rest of us took over a booth in San Francisco’s best Tiki (Dive) Bar. Joan (#5) found some plates of beans, rice and jerk chicken at the restaurant next store. Hunger satisfied we were free to resume our rum exploration.

I started by sharing a Strawberry Bowl. Imagine a giant bowl filled with a fruit slushie spiked with three kinds of rum. The bartender even filled the little “volcano” in the middle of the bowl with 151 rum before lighting it on fire. 

Televisions at both ends of the bar showed Cal beating Texas Tech. That’s for you Dave (#80). The drinks here were not nearly as artfully crafted but the Bamboo Hut wins the award for friendliest patrons. It was so easy to strike up a conversation. Jim (#71) was especially good at mingling.

Tired, happy and rum soaked, we stumbled our way down Columbus to Montgomery to BART and

home. Another successful HEAD Trip in the books.

Random observation: not everyone on BART enjoyed the singing of songs from “My Fair Lady”. I guess it takes all kinds.

Color Commentary…

Tiki Hangover………………..Day 2……….I think I will survive..............................…

I learned some things about myself and alcohol, most specifically rum, on this outing.

1) Rum is evil. It gets mixed with delicious, delicious juices so you can’t taste it and it seems        refreshing.

2)  It is not refreshing.

3) Drinks should only be served in teeny, tiny glasses, NEVER bowls with two foot long straws.

4) Two foot long straws are bad because they can reach all the other bowls in addition to your own  bowl.

  I have the best friends in the world. I have thanked and apologized too many of them and all of the rest of them should accept this as my thanks and apology for getting me onto BART on Saturday.

Next HEAD trip – donuts, coffee, nothing containing alcohol!!!